Sol's Written Journal Transcripts
[ONLINE PDF HERE]
Sol writes primarily in lowercase in her actual journal. This is not “included in” these transcriptions. Everything in (parentheses) was written by Sol. Everything in [brackets] was written by the editor. There are 61 total pages of the original journal. If you think I’ve made a mistake, have any questions, or believe you’ve identified an “illegible word” please contact me on Reddit, u/benetmcclaw Sol’s original journal can be found HERE go back home
Being alive is fucking overrated.
Trying to remember [
[
How do I pull it out of me? I’m fucking empty….
[
Pushed back the square
Now that you've need her in the throat
(Well, there you go)
Cause back in school
We are the leaders of all
Transpose
or stop your lies
It’s what you do
Pushed back the square
Now that you need her, but you don’t
(So there you go)
Cause back in school
we are the leaders of all
So transpose
Or stop your lies
[
In the process of culmination
[
[
I could float here forever…
Anemic and sweet…
And come in…
And lay down…
[
[
Hit with a discomfort I can’t shake off, that I can’t turn off. Not disillusionment, it’s… there’s something wrong. It’s in the air. And I can’t shake it off. Something’s wrong with the time, this time. Supposed to be another… I don't know why I’m here and not there. What the fuck is in the sky, it’s too fucking loud. It’s too quiet. Disquiet. That’s the word.
-1:33pm, Sunday May 27
[
Despite all my rage…
[
[
Orginal Album Cover:
There isn’t a doubt in my mind that soon I will be back where I need to be.
back home..
back with you (E)
Something inside of me
telling me to
trust…
soon
soon
soon
Will it be okay?
please
please
please
Back with you…
[
I think I’m losing my mind… I mean really really losing my fucking mind. Or this life is fucking with me big time. Weird things happening every day… my perception of things is changing, I think. Thoughts I've never had before… I've been wishing to go back in time to my reality, since then everything has been morphing… slowly and slowly I have been realizing that I don't feel out of place for just no reason. I think… life messed up. Glitched. I’m not supposed to be here now. Not in a depressing (way?) i’m not supposed to be alive, like… my existence was misplaced in time. This journey was a slow one.. But I can feel it in my bones… maybe I am going back?
Time works in strange, strange ways. Might find a portal back to my reality soon in my bedroom. Might go to sleep one night and wake up at that time, in that year… trying to think about it logically, scientifically… but this has a lot to do with fate.. My life is in the hands of time and fate right now. I’ve never trusted my intuition but I have been feeling otherworldly things since one specific night… I've discovered a part of myself, growing more and more into myself every day… who I really am… I have discovered that I’m not at home.
[
[
[
There is no such thing as harmless power
I’m not sick but i’m not well
Frail & bedazzled
[
[
Drawing of a infinity sign with a circle around it.
Drawing of a skull (possibly referenced from the punk band Misfits skull logo or Call of Duty’s “Ghost guy.” Lieutenant Simon "Ghost" Riley)
Drawing of an unlabeled, dense/large, book, with 2 “bookmarks” made of string.
Drawing of Dylan Klebold holding a Tec-9.
“Defile the earth with my ignoble suffering”
[
Everything I criticize, I end up becoming.
WILL I BURN
WILL I BURN
WILL I BURN
WILL I BURN
WILL I BURN
[
I know I'm stuck in the wrong reality so… I guess nothing I do really matters
[
I was so young, and things were happening in the world and I had no idea. These things would later come into my life and prove to be cataclysmic to my nature. And they would become a part of me. And they were there all along, and before. I was so young and these things were manifesting and I had no idea.
[
They were waiting for me.
I know how important hardship is in getting the truth and that scares me but, in the end..
[
I don’t know how to fucking be human and I thought [SCRATCHED OUT, ILLEGIBLE] for all my life this struggle was normal, but its fucking not. It took me years and years to figure out that I'm like this even though I could feel it all throughout my life. Again and again I encountered discrepancies in my life and my life only- things that nobody else saw or experienced. I could just fucking sense that something was off. I always knew. I was a fucking child and I knew. You dont even realize how traumatising it is to be a child and feel the wrong-ness of your own existence and not know what that fucking was. God every time I think about that I scare myself. I've lived like this my whole life, I had to experience those things as a kid. The cruelty there is… unholy… you dont fucking understand.
The more I try to explain or describe my circumstances, the more I realize it cannot be explained, and even further, it just cannot be understood by others. If you're reading this and you think you understand, please listen to me, you do not. you are never going to know what this really feels like, never. Not once in your fucking life. I don't know what this is, and yet I know exactly what this is, I don't understand but I fucking do. It makes no fucking sense but it does. God it’s everywhere. Just this terrible feeling of not belonging or better said, it is discomfort, it is disquiet, disharmony in the air, in the silence. I can almost hear it sometimes. I can't even explain. It's in this dimension, everywhere in this dimension. This reality is not mine. It’s not for me, and it cant be, I dont fucking fit. I don't know if there's a reality out there that's really where I belong, or if I just have none, if I belong nowhere. I dont fucking know. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you.
Cherry waves…
[
[
Please get me out of here
[
Is that what you want?
With you
Is that what you want?
With you.. You
Escape, below
In that frame of mind where I can see forwards and backwards in time. I know what's happened and I know what's going to happen.
To know that it's all almost over… everything is going to be over soon.
Or will it just be the beginning?
[
deftones
[
The lives were forced to lead, the existences we had.. Without choice don’t confine us. And it’s strange to see our impact on the world knowing there's so much more in us. Seeing the human reaction to an existence is off putting, captivating. Seeing others try to label one as evil or pure, as a monster or a martyr. Whatever it may be- that’s all the human reaction. you are more than other human’s reactions if you, and I can see it in you, always have, always will. People like us have no choice but to regretfully live these lives just like everybody else, but the difference between us and them is that we do something about it. We can feel how little we belong in this mortal world, and we live with no limitations in thought, only limitations in physical being. There is so much more than the human experience for people like us. Always seeing the bigger picture. Really thinking about it all. The bigger picture. Really thinking about it all. The important things. I'm not talking about people who feel special or different in thought, in the way one works, the place in the universe one holds.
I dont know how to word it in a way that doesnt sound fucking stupid, or in a way that hasnt been written before. This kind of story has never been written or told or experienced before. It's in the process right now actually. Well, if you're reading this then the story has most likely been finished in its writing and culmination. After comes… well something else. I dont fucking know. Probably an eternal story- the next step. Or maybe just another small step taking form of a whole other life. Maybe after I die and I think this story’s almost completely done,, what actually happens is that I need to live a whole other life again to write the next chapter, or better said the next stage [underlined.] Something is happening, I’m telling you. I can't tell you what though that's a secret.
I’m not supposed to be here
[
[
Is it an intrusive thought or is it the universe trying to tell me something… i ask and ask for help, i may be receiving it, just open my eyes…
Fear and anxiety can be the most powerful forces in the world if you allow them to overpower your senses.
[
I really need to get there…
I’m willing to do something
If this is a step towards it…
Step towards returning to my reality
Please give me the direction I need.
The only thing that can motivate me anymore is knowing that the steps I take may bring me back, take me where i'm supposed to be. That is the only thing i am willing to use waning[?] energy on, and i will get there. Mark my words, i will get there.
I don't feel at home
in this reality. I can't
do this for much longer.
I'm desperate to be
where I'm supposed to be.
[
There's a pain in me
I can't seem to locate.
An ache. [
physical body it's so
much fucking deeper than
that. I can't pinpoint
it, it's everywhere. I feel
it most in my chest, in
my fucking heart, that i
shouldn't be here. Right
now, I belong somewhere
else.
This life is the most painful thing I could have ever lived through. The anger and sadness I've had to feel has been otherworldly and terrible. But i would do it all over again if it meant id be with [
goes on inside me when he tells me he loves me. My heart and my fucking soul melt into euphoria and the only thing i can even think and feel is that i am so grateful. I am so grateful for [
[
I do everything for you [
[
So much passion towards justice… punishing the injustice. Most of my anger is rooted in seeing the awful unfairness of the world; the stupidity that surrounds me. Stupidity is a fucking injustice to me its too bad people cant be punished for being fucking stupid. People who are purely followers, people who don't think, people who apparently are unaware that they possess a brain, people who judge deviation from the norm. Living in quite a liberal place and going to quite a liberal school, you'd think I couldn't see much of the phenomenon, but no- it’s not about acceptance here, you can only be different if youre cool and trendy. More liberalism does not equal less stupidity. Everywhere you go you will find stupid people, they're just stupid in different ways. I cannot belong here, maybe not even anywhere.
“And as hollow as the ‘O’ in God”
[
[
There's no sound
But the engine’s drone
Out minds set free
To roam
Time…. (shift)
We discover the entry
To other places
Our minds bend
And our fingers fold
Intertwined we dream of unknown
Time…. (shift)
We discover the entry
To other planes
Stay with me
As we cross the empty skies
Come sail with me
[
I just want the right- no, I have [
I have a lot of words I can't get out
[
I cant believe how much harder my fucking life is getting, everything seems to be disintegrating in front of my own eyes. One year is a long time for pain like this, i just wanna go now. I wish I could get a gun by the end of the summer, I can't look ahead anymore. Dark clouds looming over me all the time, i don't know how to handle myself. it really is fucking insane how things get worse and worse when every time i think, “Ive hit rock bottom” its not about hitting rock bottom. Every phase is a different kind of hurt, a different level of pain. My masochistic side needs it, but i fucking need peace. Or i dont fucking know. I just need to fucking die, fuck.
[
Had a dream last night about the future.. Eye opening.. I wish only a week away from [scratched out text, illegible] the day, and i had my fucking shotgun already. And I just remember the constant lies- to my family, friends, police, teachers… the fucking stress of it all. But the most important part was knowing that it all didn't matter, that soon everything would be the way it should be. That was the first dream I've really had about it, about that day…
[
[
DETACH YOURSELF
DETACH YOURSELF
DETACH YOURSELF
I'm supposedly living
[
Every second is worse than the last
I don't know what to be anymore
The most dooming feeling i could ever encounter
Pure misery
Looking and looking and looking for answers and
there is nothing.
Absolutely nothing. Emptiness.
Justs feels like i have nothing, no one anymore
Why can't it ever stop
Why can I let go
Im so fucking tired
I'm so tired
How many times do i have to plead and beg to get something [
Incessant crying and tears and asking why
I get nowhere i get nothing
Just like always
[
Every fucking day i wake up feeling this way… lost, hopeless, angry, pissed off, fucking empty. It's the kind of pain that doesn't go away no matter what you do. I hold conversations feeling like I want the world to end. I go on about my day thinking about dying. I cant even get done what I NEED [
I can't take this anymore… I've lived so many lives, probably was/felt like an outcast in every single one of em. This life feels special. Maybe my last one… maybe something big’s gonna happen. Who fucking knows anymore. Life is fucking chaos.
[
Feels like a time portal is going to open up in my bedroom! [
[
It feels like I'm alive in another world right now, like I exist in another reality, right now. Maybe in the past… I don't know. I always think lifes not gonna get any worse or weirder but I'm always proved wrong. I feel things in my soul that I can't explain. I feel like when I die I'm gonna go back in time and I know exactly to where (what year.) I don't know if i'll have to start life all over, find myself all over again, or if i will wake up as the person i died as, picking up the puzzle pieces…. Rewriting history… I like to fantasize about that. Going back in time, waking up as myself, like something out of a movie. My life feels like a movie, so much weird shit going on all the time, never stops… stuff about alternate universes and time travel and death and different dimensions and realities. I never fucking stop thinking. I think, think, think, and I think I've thought too far. I don't know if life manifests itself through thoughts or through pure fate, but it feels like things are slowly arranging dimensions. The stars are aligning,,, for me… i don't know exactly for what yet, but i feel it…
[
Time is a funny, funny thing…
It feels like everything that
i know now,
I've known all my life.
I just had to understand it,
Realize it.
I knew these things at just
A few years old… i mean, I felt [
These things… took me a while to
Understand them…
I died a long time ago
I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
Then again, that might have been a dream.
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound…
Every day is exactly
The same
I can't remember how this got started
but I can tell you eventually how it will end.
[
Its like i know that i dont fucking belong in this world and i know i just dont fit in here and that i deserve to be somewhere better, but i cant do anything about it. All i can do is sit in my bed and sulk. Just sit and think and think and feel but with the most helpless feeling. I feel immovable and stuck and frozen and helpless when all i wanna do is move and go somewhere else and be where I'm supposed to be. What the fuck do i even do anymore. Everyday is exactly like this. Just feeling helpless and out of place and knowing [underlined] I belong somewhere else but not being there and not being able to go there, wherever that is.
[
Just sit and think and sit and think.
[
Waking up to this nightmare every day. The ache is always there. I can't do anything, I can't get rid of it, this ache. im not fucking depressed, this is how my soul just is. This is what happens when you place a soul in the wrong reality; this desperate aching feeling of unhappiness and doom. It's something new every day hurting me. Anxiety that doesn't fade. This material life isn't for me, but i don't know what is (for me) anymore. So much to do, clocks never stop ticking. So much to fucking do and so much to worry about. This life is a punishment. This world is hell.
I feel like a fucking idiot,
I don't know anything, ever
I am always left behind, left
In the dark.
Abandoned
All
The
Time
[
[
[
I miss [
[
Oooh god i wanna be dead so fucking bad already i cant explain the way i feel. Everything seems so much brighter on the other side. I see… in the horizon of my mind, somehow… this shining light, this bright world… where everything feels,,, sure… no doubts, just love… the one i love… it just seems so much brighter on the other side, i can see it now, in my mind’s eye; i've never seen it like this before. Like I've unlocked a new ability, seeing into the future. How can I describe it… I see a real horizon in my mind, and I see clouds, so bright in the sky, I see it… sunlight everywhere.. The clouds are glowing… like on some mornings, and… there's techno playing in the background! (Orbital)
[
[
Some mornings I catch glimpses of heaven…
[
The fact of the matter is that I [
And everyone else seems to know something I don't. Don't you see? There is no connection there. This disparity is too large to be ignored. This isn't the sort of thing you just live with; there is no ‘living’ for me. Ine spent my time here long enough to have realized the truth I exist in, this reality. But I do not belong to it.
[
It's a shame you can't see things through my eyes.
It may be a miserable world, but boy, the view sure is something else sometimes.
[
I don't wanna live in this coldness and misery anymore.
[
I cant believe this is my fucking life. My fucking existence. I hate this life so much. I wish i could escape it already, now but thinking about death, and dying. Fucking scares me and tired me out just as much as thinking about life does. I'm tired of having to think about it all. These things through so much I'm tired of all this planning and living. I'm tired of having to think about everything so logically so I can get where I need to be already (dead.) I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of everything. Everything could have been so much simple and easier if i had never existed in the first place. None [
It just never ends. I never see it ending. [
[
I dont know who the fuck thought that allowing me to live this life would end well but they really were dead wrong. The weight of this life is costing me my sanity. There is [
You make me hard [
[
You are the perfect drug
The perfect drug
The perfect drug
Without you
Without you everything falls apart
It's not as much fun to pick up the pieces
[
[
There's nothing that this immediate world could ever offer me to make me stay. I've looked at it from every single angle, not with the attitude/purpose of seeking a reason to stay, but just to prove further what I already know. There's no life, no lifestyle I would ever be satisfied with. Nothing that could fulfill me- i know, there isn't. And it's not me, it's the world I am in. the reality i am present in (but not a part of.) it's not mine.. Ive been around long enough to observe and understand all the fucking bullshit that surrounds me, and i want no fucking part in it. I'm just a pawn to this world and so are you. The only difference between me and everybody else is that I choose to follow my instincts telling me what to value more, which everybody else is fine with settling for mediocrity. I get the sense that no matter what I do, or what I say, there’ll never be enough words to convince you that I'm not just nothing more than stupid and naive. it's not my problem anyways
[
[
Much, much time has passed. Unfortunately due to the nature of my life I've had to store away this journal and focus on the task at hand. So much has happened, and yet so little. I wish I could dive into all the changes and connections and transpositions and evaluations that have taken place in my head since the last time I wrote; I miss this even further there wouldn't even be enough time in the world to describe how much worse things have gotten. I've been going through my belongings, including this journal and other digital notes and writings i've done and the repetition is astounding; how everything seems to somehow get worse even when i think i've hit rock bottom. Fucking insane. It's become a fight to the death, fighting for my sanity, for my morals, for everything i've ever wanted. The last few days have been especially painful and tumultuous, which kickstarted me again to start revising my plans and getting on with them. The last couple of months have been marked by the intense feeling of time closing in on me, the pressure, it's real. I can feel the heaviness and the weight on my soul.
Seconds of eternity, constant agony.
Thoughts that never stop coming.
The pressure of taking on a challenge of infinite interdimensional meaning and purpose. Taking on a challenge that is bigger than life itself, as a human, god, that is so… me. I imagine the last few months many, many, tines over the course of the last couple years. I imagined what they would be like and feel like. I knew it would be painful but not like this. God fucking damnit, i never imagines it like this. This universe is breaking me, tearing me apart, clawing at my soul. The pain is so deep and real it manifests almost physically. The past day or two have been the most clear-headed I've been in a while now, which is why I'm back to planning and organizing again. So I basically spent the first few hours of my birthday cleaning through my belongings in preparation for my death. Huh.
Gotta do what you gotta do.
It's become a life of accumulation… of understanding, of remembering… not a life of living- i understand that now. Not a normal life to live, but one of…. Recognition, of an unfinished past? A test maybe, something to wake me up. Placed me in a discordant reality, on illusion, with the realest parts being those that have no basis in immediate reality. Once in a while i have those moments of intense realization where it seems like someone or something from another plane, another place, reaches through the layers of time and dimension and grasps at me, leaving me a hint, a message. I get flashes somewhere at the back of my mind, on another level of consciousness, of places; of another time, places and the feelings they invoke, that i recognize on a level too instinctual and deep to verbalize. The familiarity of these visions and the setting they take place in, its too strong, too undeniable to write off. The constant messages and hints i receive are too much too ignore. Its not a fucking mental illness or a delusion and i dont know how to stress that enough.
There is this idea of home…
>prophecy
>timeline
>reality
Possibility
It wouldn't be happening if it
Didn't have a reason to
Not a coincidence
A transposition of physical form
Like i can feel that dimension
In the air, surrounding me,
Everywhere
Realest thing I have ever felt
Hidden behind a veil
Unearthly, otherworldly, not of this
Immediate state of existence or
Consciousness
Another life, real home
Now I just stare into the sun
And I see everything I’ve done,
I think I could've been someone,
But I can't stop what has begun.
When everything is said and done,
And there is no place left to run,
I think I used to be someone,
Now I just stare into the sun.
3/30/19
Sol Pais
[END]
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